


The Wizard of Os(omatsu)

by nissabug



Category: The Wizard Of Oz (1939), おそ松さん | Osomatsu-san (Anime)
Genre: Comedy, Gen, Wizard of Oz AU, it'll follow the basic movie plot but mostly original dialogue, just an idea i had that i wanted to get on here, not really meant to be serious i just thought this was perfect lol, teen rating is only for a tiny bit of cussing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-24
Updated: 2016-06-27
Packaged: 2018-07-16 22:48:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7287772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nissabug/pseuds/nissabug
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Totoko wakes up in a completely different place called the Land of Os... funny thing is, she doesn't remember her friends coming with her. </p><p>(Wizard of Oz AU/Parody thing)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In Which Totoko Wakes Up Inside

**Author's Note:**

> im rewatching this so i remember the general idea but dont expect everything exactly the same obviously lol  
> this was fun i might actually finish a multi chapter thing woAH

When Totoko woke up, there were many questions that immediately came to mind, such as: why was the sextuplets' house up inside a huge tornado? Actually, why was she in their house in the first place? As she gripped the couch in their room to keep herself from falling, she tried to remember how she ended up in this predicament.

When a horrible storm system was brewing around Akatsuka Ward, Totoko was still outside trying to walk home through the powerful winds. On the way she had passed the Matsuno household, and when they saw her struggling to get home, their parents snatched her up and insisted she stayed indoors with them until the storm blew over. It was their job to keep their sons' childhood friend (and potential wife) safe, after all.

And of course the NEETs were ecstatic to have a girl, especially Totoko, in their home for the night. She trusted them to not do anything gross or wild, but it was still awkward to be hanging around these grown, female-deprived, lonely virgins with a developing storm that prevented her from escaping. It was definitely going to be a long night.

They got their Go board out at some time during the storm, because she could see the board and its stones spread across the floor next to the table. The storm probably knocked it around.

Or did she throw it herself in a fit of loser's rage? Whatever.

Totoko could remember the storm getting to a point where their parents came upstairs and said it would be a good idea to go downstairs and hide better, but of course none of them listened. Going inside a smaller room with 9 people would be way too uncomfortable. They were adults, they could handle a simple storm without needing to take cover.

... Right?

Then there was lightning, thunder, and the sound of glass breaking right after that knocked Totoko over the side of the couch unconscious. And now here she was. Awake and confused and terrified. Ah, yes. That's what happened.

She looked around to room to see if anyone else woke up when she did. But the room was empty aside from herself. Where did they go? Totoko huffed and crossed her arms; the probably left her when the going got tough! They wouldn't even help a beautiful woman in her time of need! Useless NEETs. 

She was tempted to go downstairs and find out what was going on, but before she could even consider consequences the house suddenly stopped and hit what was hopefully the ground with a thud, followed by a shrieking "SHEEEEEEEH!" Totoko slowly let go of the couch, kind of afraid to see what just happened. Well, she had a pretty good idea of what just happened, but she didn't want to accept the fact that she probably murdered a man. That she knew and grew up with. What would her parents say?

She was probably thinking too much about it! Iyami was fine. Apparently very close by, but fine. She'd check it out in a second. Totoko started to move, but remembered the shattered glass from the window that was on the ground with the Go pieces and looked down to watch where she was going and holy shit.

She wasn't wearing the blue checker dress and white shirt when she left the house that morning, was she? The window must have really hit her head. She didn't remember anything like that being in her wardrobe. While it was quite extensive and diverse, this was a bit… Western for her tastes.

Oh, it was cute. Why complain? Totoko carefully made her way across the floor in her newly acquired ruffled socks which were adorable by the way. She almost stepped out the door when she heard a raspy meow behind her. She turned and saw Ichimatsu’s weird cat that wore glasses (what was his name again?) running up to her and jumped into her arms; luckily she managed to catch the heavy thing. He seemed to be just as confused as she was about this whole situation. “Well, aren't you the cutest kitty,” she cooed, rubbing his head and setting him on the floor. When she left the room, he followed behind her. 

“Matsuyo-san? Matsuzo-san?” Totoko called the Matsuno parents’ names through the living room and dining room, but was only answered with a lonely echo. That wasn't a good sign. They were probably still in their hiding space passed out. Or maybe they were gone, too? She didn’t really feel like checking.

She stopped next to the door and sighed, then looked down at the cat. ESP Kitty! Yes, that was it. “Looks like it's just you and me, buddy,” she mused, honestly not expecting a reply. But it made her feel better.

Totoko slipped on her pink heels and grabbed her purse, then pushed open the door in complete fear of what she was about to find. 

While what she saw wasn't necessarily threatening, it was scary. It looked like a Skittle fairy puked all over a game of Candyland and decided to keep it and call it art, to put it simply. Totoko took it in for about 3 seconds before she felt like puking, too. It definitely wasn't home, that's for sure. 

After a few moments, she turned around to look at the house and, sure enough, there were Iyami’s feet, with one shoe off and his sock threatening away. One last “sheh” before her life was brutally taken away by...

Her, technically. Oh God.

Totoko slowly started walking away, having to pry her eyes off the house, as she was still in shock. If she didn't stand next to it, maybe nobody would accuse her of murder. If there were even people there to accuse her. That came to mind when she realized she was the only one visibly there in this whacked up world. Where was everyone?

Before she could bolt in the other direction to escape her fate, a shiny, pink iridescent bubble from seemingly nowhere floated down and sat in front of her. It popped, and it shimmered as it rained down and revealed someone in a wide pink dress and huge crown.

Wait. It wasn't just anyone.

“...Todomatsu?!”

He just giggled and lifted his wand. “No, silly little girl, I’m The Good Witch of the North.”

Totoko almost passed out again. “Kitty,” she muttered, never taking her eyes off the supposed witch, “I have a really good feeling we’re not in Akatsuka Ward anymore.”


	2. In Which Totoko Really Wants To Leave

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> magical

“You’re not a witch, you idiot!” Totoko cried, crossing her arms.

The Todomatsu look-alike that called himself The Good Witch put his hands sassily on his hips. Even if it wasn’t him, he sure acted like him. “How would you know? You couldn’t tell the difference between a good witch and a bad witch if it smacked you in the face!”

“Well, all witches are supposed to be ugly and nasty, anyway,” snapped Totoko, looking him up and down like she was checking him out. It would’ve felt like that, too, if he wasn’t wearing a pastel dress and puffy princess sleeves. What was he, a crossdresser?

... Yeah, she could see it.

“Yes, that’s only bad witches, and that’s why I had a feeling you were one of them,” The Good Witch laughed, placing a hand on his flat chest. “Oh, I’m only kidding. I came here because you did something truly magical for the inhabitants of Shonosukeland.” He flashed a smile that only appeared genuine but probably wasn't, then pointed his wand at the house with Iyami’s feet under it. 

“For you see, you killed The Wicked Witch!” 

Totoko tilted her head. “I did what?”

The Good Witch threw his hands up in the air, ignoring her question. “Come out, my little Hijirisawas! The Wicked Witch is dead!” he shouted. 

Totoko hadn't realized there were houses surrounding where she and the witch were standing, at least until tiny men started pouring out of them in brightly colored overalls and dress shirts. Men that looked familiar, like she had seen them once in a dream...

Then she recognized them.

Oh NO.

There were hundreds of Hijirisawas pouring out of their little homes; they now surrounded her and The Good Witch, staring up at them with those beady, creepy eyes. All the previous cute aura the neighborhood gave off was thrown out the nearest window. 

One of them, who had taken charge as the leader, stepped forward and said, “Thank you, beautiful witch!”

Totoko blinked a few times. “You’re welcome, I guess, but... I’m not a witch, I just fell on top of Iya- The Wicked Witch and killed him,” she corrected, and knelt down to pick up the cat in case one of the Hijirisawas tried to steal him or something.

“That makes you our hero!” cried another short man, throwing up his hands. “Let us sing you a song to show our gratitude!” They simultaneously took in a deep breath.

“No! Stop! This is a musical-free zone!” Totoko shouted over them, stomping her foot. They closed their mouths and stared at her again without a single trace of defeat on their faces. That was a close one. She almost had to suffer even more.

The Good Witch moved to say something, but before he could get anything out, a puff of red smoke burst in the middle of the square, sending the Hijirisawas scattering back to their homes, their screams comparable to nails on a chalkboard. When the smoke cleared, someone who looked just like The Good Witch but in a long black dress and witch had stood there, looking extremely pissed. Which brother was that, again?

“Glinda, what’s the meaning of this? Why is he dead under a house? What did I say about killing people?”

Ah, yes. The fussy one. Choromatsu.

“But it wasn’t me, it was this lovely child here,” said The Good Witch sweetly and put an arm around Totoko’s shoulders. He totally just ratted her out. This witch was no different from the real Todomatsu! 

Totoko shook her head, pulling the cat closer to her chest. “It was an accident, I didn’t mean to drop the house on him and kill him, I-”

“Just an accident, hm?” The Wicked Witch mused, then angrily shook his broomstick at her. “You can get in just as much trouble for accidents, too, little girl!” 

The Good Witch’s grip tightened on Totoko’s shoulders. He grinned like a cat and said, “Oh, get over yourself! Did you find his shoes?” Shoes?

The Wicked Witch sputtered at the interruption, then spun on his heel and walked toward the house. Before he could get anywhere dangerously near the shoes, the pink witch pointed his wand at them, transporting them to Totoko’s feet and replacing her shoes with an ugly pair of black men’s dress shoes. Totoko wanted to puke... again.

“What did you do with the shoes?” she and The Wicked Witch screamed at the same time, both turning to look at him. The first was fuming, but Totoko was just confused.

The Good Witch laughed and patted the wand in his hand a few times as if nothing happened. “I put them on her feet with magic so there’s no possible way you can get them off,” he said. Then his face scrunched up in a sneer. “Unless you enjoy ripping shoes off girls’ feet, you pervert! I wouldn’t expect any less from you, Fappy Witch. Now, get out before I try and drop a house on you, too.” His happy giggles made it so much worse.

The Wicked Witch turned as red as a tomato, and you could basically see steam come out of his ears. He stomped over to Totoko and jabbed a slender finger at her. “We’ll see how well you can stay out of my way. I’ll get you, my pretty, and you’re little cat, too.”

“‘My pretty?’ I’m nobody’s pretty!” Totoko shouted, and kicked his kneecap. The witch screamed and hopped around on one foot, grabbing the cloth around his leg. He sent her one last glare before disappearing in another puff of red smoke.

Totoko let out a long sigh, then turned back to The Good Witch. “What do I do now? I really need to get back home, before my parents start wondering where I am and calling the police or something!”

He looked up pensively. “Well,” he began, “since you can’t go back the way you came, you’ll have to see the Wizard of Os, who lives in Emerald City.”

“Oz?”

 

“No, no, Os.”

 

“Oz.”

“Ossss.” He stopped and rolled his eyes. “Whatever, you’ll have to see him.”

Totoko had a pretty good feeling who that was. Of course that jerk would be the one in charge of this whole thing. This was his fault somehow. Well, now it was his job to fix it. “How do I get to him?”

“The easiest route, I believe, would be to follow the Yellow Brick Road,” The Good Witch replied, and swept his wand in the direction of the yellow bricks. They twisted with a set of red bricks before splitting into separate paths. “Just keep going until you get to a giant, sparkly green castle. Not easy to miss.”

“Is it far away?”

 

“Seeing as you don’t have a broom and you’ll have to walk... yeah, I’d say it’s pretty far for someone like you.” He smiled. God, she wanted to smack that smile off his face.

If she wanted to get home, she’d have to suck this up and get it over with. She put ESP Kitty down next to her and took a few steps along its trail.

“Wait, before I go and you start your journey,” said The Good Witch, waving his wand one last time. Her ugly shoes flashed a bright pink light, then turned into a pair of ruby red slippers, complete with glitter and a little bow on the toe. “You didn’t need to be walking around in those leather death traps twice the size of your foot, honey.” He winked, then started to disappear back into his bubble.

“Good luck, and remember, just follow the yellow brick road!” And with that, he was gone. 

At least the shoes were cute, but she still had to figure out her way back home. Just now she’s be fabulous while doing it. She smiled at the shoes for a few seconds longer, then started walking down the path again. The cat padded at her side, that dopey, tired grin on his face. He was the only company she had now, apparently.

This was going to be a long trip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all the men so far are in dresses  
> great job guys


	3. In Which Totoko Gets Corny

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> get it  
> because corn

Totoko was thankful she was used to walking on heels, or else this trip to Emerald City would soon become hell. But the bright sun beating down would be a problem soon, especially since she was wearing layers and socks. She’ll just cross that bridge when she gets there.

If she actually got to the bridge, that is. It wasn’t long before she reached a big cornfield, and a fork in the road that led in two opposite directions around the rows of corn. Totoko groaned and threw her hands in the air. 

“Well, this sucks!” she yelled. “I should have had one of those Hijirisawas guide me through here, maybe they’d know the way...” She looked down at the cat to see if he had any form of guidance. He sat down, let out a scratchy meow, and started grooming his paws and fur. Totoko rolled her eyes, something she seemed to be doing a lot in this adventure.

“Oh, thanks. I guess I’ll have to figure this out on my own. But... which way should I pick?” It was very likely these paths would end up coming back around and end up at the same place, but it was also very likely one would go somewhere totally different. And, knowing her luck, she’d pick the completely wrong one.

“That way looks nice, lady!” 

A loud voice interrupted her train of thought. Totoko looked up and saw a scarecrow hanging up on a wooden pole. He had a plaid yellow shirt with poorly fitted overalls, gloves, and boots, all stuffed with hay. A straw hat with a sunflower sat on his head, as well as a big smile that would definitely scare crows away. One of his arms pointed to a path.

Wait a minute.

“That Jyushimatsu scarecrow just talked, didn’t it,” Totoko sighed, knowing it wasn’t even a question, and glanced over at ESP Kitty. He had noticed the scarecrow now and meowed again, staring at it very intently, which was out of his character. 

“But so does this way!” Totoko looked back up at The Scarecrow. Now his other arm was pointing to another path, but his eyes were unblinking and smile unwavering. Was he always this creepy?

Before she could get a word in, he flipped his arms across his chest. “But they’re all pretty great, haha!”

“Are you the one talking?” Totoko asked, walking towards him. Doesn’t hurt to confirm; maybe it was God talking? Who knows.

The Scarecrow feverishly shook his head a few times. Then he stopped, blinked, then smiled wide again and nodded quickly.

“Can’t you just make up your mind and tell me which way to go, since you seem to be the only sensible one out here?” Totoko said, tapping her foot and crossing her arms. His silliness was getting her nowhere closer to home, and she knew perfectly well how this particular one acted.

He shrugged. “But that’s the problem, ma’am! I don’t have a mind! I don’t even have any sense! Just a lot of hay!” he said in his booming voice, followed by laughter.

Totoko tilted her head. “You mean you don’t have a brain? How are you talking, then?”

Another shrug. “‘Dunno... but there’s lotsa people with no brains that do a whole lot of talking!”

Like him? And just about everyone else in this crazy world? But she, of course, wasn’t going to say that out loud. That’s not how her mother raised her. She said, “Well, it’s very nice to meet you, but-”

“It’s nice to meet you, too! How do you do?” The Scarecrow flapped his arms happily in front of him.

Totoko raised an eyebrow. Was now really the time? No, don’t be rude. If she was polite, maybe she’d get him to help her out of this corn maze. “I’m good, I suppose. How are you?”

“Eh, not too good,” he mused, and his pupils suddenly dilated and he brought a chin to his hands, as if in deep thought. “I’m always hanging up here with a big pole on my back, and I can’t figure out how to get down myself! It’s no fun at all!” He shook his head a third time. Maybe he lost his brains by rattling them out of his head like that.

“That sounds horrible! What if I got you down?” she said, and stepped over the wooden fence that held him inside (not like he could escape). “Then maybe you can help me get out of here, too!”

His smile got even bigger, though that seemed impossible. “Oh, you’re very kind! Thank you!” Totoko gave him a genuine smile back, then looked to see what was keeping him up there. His body was shoved through a nail on the pole. But he looked much too heavy to lift off, and even if she did that, it would rip him. 

“I’m not so sure I can get you down, though...”

“I know I don’t have a whole lot of brain,” The Scarecrow began, turning his head to see her, “but maybe if you bent that nail down, I could slide right off! Whee!” He threw his hands up excitedly, happy that he probably figured it out.

And he was right. She bent the rusty nail downward, and he fell right off with a thud. Some of his hay fell out of his shirt. “That’s like your guts or something, isn’t it? Doesn’t that hurt?” Totoko asked, hurrying to his side. She noticed the cat still sitting on the brick road, licking his ass, and sighed.

“No, don’t worry!” The Scarecrow insisted, flapping a hand at her dismissively. “It’s fine, I just shove it back in there, and it’s good as new.” He pushed the hay into his shirt and stood back up with a grin. He stood up and attempted to step over the fence; instead he slipped and fell again, harder this time. Totoko screamed and crouched next to him.

“Did I scare you?” The Scarecrow asked, staring her right in the eyes. 

Totoko blinked slowly. “N-No... I was just worried that you hurt yourself.”

“But I didn’t scare you?”

“Afraid not.”

He looked at the ground in disappointment. A crow landed on his shoulder. While he tried to shoo it away with his long sleeves, it picked a piece of his hay out a flew away. “See, I can’t even probably scare the crows away!” he said with a pout. “I’m bad at my job...”

Totoko rested her elbow on her knee and put her head in her palm. “I’m going to see the Wizard of Os in Emerald City so I can get home. I heard he does lots of great, magical things,” she said. The Scarecrow perked up, his face falling into focus. 

“Do you think the wizard could give me a brain?”

“I don’t see why not!”

“But what if he can’t?”

“Well, would you be in any worse place than you are now?”

“No...”

Totoko frowned. “But I also have a witch that’s real mad at me, and I don’t need you getting in trouble, or catching on fire, or... something.”

“Witch? I’m not scared of witches! I can take them!” shouted The Scarecrow, and he leapt to his feet and brought his fists up with the angriest face she believed he could muster. She giggled, and he blushed and straightened up again. “Please take me with you... I’d really love a brain. I won’t be any trouble!”

She bit her lip. The last thing she needed was a distraction, but he didn’t eat. Or drink. Or think. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt. Plus, he looked like he really wanted this. What’s the worse that could happen?

“If that’s the case, then of course I’ll take you with me.” Totoko smiled and brushed the dust and dirt off her dress and shoes.

“That’s great! We’re off to see the wizard!” The Scarecrow shouted. He jumped up and grabbed her arm, linking it with his. “WIZARD WIZARD WIZARD!”

She could hardly get her balance before he started skipping along what she hoped was the right path, dragging her along with him until she finally caught the pace and skipped along with him. She hoped the cat was following.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last two days kinda stressful so sorry about not updating  
> also im giving myself some artistic liberty with these costumes  
> i love fanart... hint hint nudge nudge my tumblr is the same as my username here

**Author's Note:**

> totty thats gay


End file.
